Life Starring Me

April 12, 2011


I used to star in my own life. I was the main attraction: my phone would ring, texts coming in, facebooks to check, places to go, and a variety of outfits to choose from. Part of me knew that I would be humbled when I came to Belize but the extent of humility was unknown to me. Suddenly I’m not starring in my life anymore (I didn’t think that was possible?). I then ponder the great question: who is it that is starring in my life now? I think---it is a strange mishmash of students, the volunteers, the religious here, and God. I want my lead role back, but somehow I think God is teaching me through this. The world would tell me to grab the reigns and take it back, but Scripture says to die to self so that Christ can live in you. Is that what He is doing? Is He trying to live in me? It is much easier said than done.


I liked starring in my life. How do I learn to like this emptying? It’s hard. It’s ugly. It’s messy. I gave the Lord my friends when I left. I gave the Lord my family when I left. I gave Him my car, my clothes, my shoes, my nice legs that I didn’t realize were so nice until I got 100 Belizian bug bits on them, my soft feet, any kind of dating life, going out on a regular basis, my cell phone, internet in the house, television, the movie theater, money. I gave Him much…I know he is more present within the quiet, without the distractions, in the sacraments. The sacramental life is beautiful here. Yet, all of this purifying is painful. But I can’t forget their beautiful faces: the students. I get caught up in my own discomfort and lose the beauty in their presence. I can not forget the sweet smile from fresh-mouth, but hilarious and adorable, J when he got up and crossed over the basketball court just to say hi. I can not forget C and her “I love you’s!” or W and his “you’re my second favorite teacher, Miss!” I can not forget H (A-Rod) and his bracelet and his surprisingly goofy side (and his hilarious mumbling). I must remember the joy and laughter of the fourth formers as they dog piled us at the retreat and M doing an impression of Mr. JM (I cringed, laughed, and screamed to myself as it was occurring).


How can I forget RM and R trying to flirt with me, thinking it will help their grade or worse, just for fun? What about the weekend with JB, K, V, R, and J? It was perfect. I must daily keep in mind the cutie-first -form girls that say hello everyday or laugh at me when I scream because I saw a cockroach. I love it when the students come to talk: when D comes to my office or J sits down because she got kicked out of class yet again. I love saying hello to M every night when I pass his house or when he’s on his bike and all his tattoos are showing. I loved every second of being with those boys on the softball field: of laughing and rejoicing with them. Here, in my memory, lay the precious tears that were in some of the boys’ eyes after the teachers yelled at the first form boys or when we lost a game in the tournament. B with the catcher’s gear and D running in between the bases with his hand on his over-sized helmet during a game because he was confused. Most importantly: how can any of us forget G in his ladies basketball shorts that were so short he called them “boxers” when he went up to the plate and had on white ankle socks and black shiny shoes? Impossible. How I so easily forget to hold these things before me.


I will try and have tried to keep these lights in my heart as I finish up my last few weeks here at Mt. Carmel. It is a challenge to give up the leading role in my life but I think God is on to something here...